"my head keeps tilting on its own" mummered liam. "then put your hand on it dear" chirped the photographer. 

what the hell wud happen if u didnt hold ur bonce upright liam? imagine it would simply roll off out of the room with ur eyes l glowing as u come up with another great idea about how make a perspex ttext work about fucking cats ina turn of the century textile fgacotry in munich u wordy  nonce.

ugh christ, ima just gonna sit down anyway and read the paper u can stay down there long as u dont talk and keep the table still, u wobble during my sudoku then i bolting ur hands to the table and making this lame excuse for a living pernament sculpture. 

"Sorry cant meet, working. where, er art basel, can you come see me? best not. no, def not, please dont come, will be too busy to chat lol."

art salon? no shit. those chairs look strate outta a fucking hair salon art basel u cunts

FRIEZE SPECIAL DIGITAL SUPPLEMENT 2000&SIXTEEN

Lot 22c is some fucking bendy pink thing er....maybe u can use it as a drying wrack for posh mugs.

Oh I know that face you smug sod, it aint all shite, try working a bit on some balanced critical analysis, if not take ur palace branded keks and fuckin bounce sunshine.  

manspread= 1.2, fuckin joke

manspread=5, but that bulge is vulgar af

this mans retracted his man spread so far his legs dissaperin up inside his fuck me now shirt. 

Fucking lean in closer yeh

wooooah now, thats a fuckin dirty denim spread going on there and cop those water bottles for scale. pure filth.

Is thats jeffer koons dressed up as noel cowrd doin a cruise stand up routine is literally the best line I could think up for this. jokes aside guys a cunt for firing of his staff. 

As Barthes said "sign is what sign means is what sign does" 

Toshiba!!? you fuckin pleb cunt where is ur asus or think pad or apple book or maybe this is some kind of new thing?? also maybe u could fit a few more books on ur table fam, can almost see some blank surface. sort it out u worm.

Get in closer yeh?

Oh no buddy, dont look away, get involved! get in the cancerous wotsit and have a little bit of fun u sour grape! :) 

"Bally hell thats the biggest pair of chinos ive ever fucking seen, get that for the insta, oh lucinda dont moan daddy is going to get you that head thing behind him, now what hastaggery shall daddy use for this post?

SHIT ARTIST STATEMENTS #75 

"We understand the choice of using the self as a primary starting point for looking towards comprehensible solutions for the neo liberal art market. My working methodology is constructed through games of chance, alluding to a fluxus inspired creative ideology that seeks to first understand and then ridicule the free art market. Acts of transgressive derision actioned via the use of satirical paper mache models of dealers and use of improv dance sessions are the primary barb to puncture the art market bubble." 

really? you really need something that big to write on the wall that high up? anselm ur old and rich but bruv you need to know when to scale shit down. 

jesus fuck darren. ur hands are massive. 

Not sure if its the all white colonial threads or the end of times projected tag line but this feels like the initiation lecture of being in the worlds most boring cult/ww2 work camp.

SHIT ART STATEMENTS #74


"I understand my practice to be informed by a need to enquire into the formal attributes of color as a primary medium. Specifically it has to do with color being used to show stuff in a colorfull way, like a picture of flowers and mr sun shining but done in a photograph taken using the camera. my main influences are the top current artists of today that deal with an enquiry into the very nature of understanding why color makes us look in new curious ways. I also explore and enquire into ways we can tell stories in ways that dont involve normal things like tv but use the voice we have like what you get in spoken word things" 

"oh ya welkomme to frazzze nu york. my narme ist ulrich oburst and im normally a shy curator who frankly ABHORES reading publicly but for you i have a treat. chapter eins, page zwei " a journey into the public...."

"Hi Tomothy cant speak in the bloody barbers right. Getting  ready for freize yeh, I need a follicle statement for the pv. Im thinking of getting 3 inches trimmed off the sides, you know like a semi  partial skinhead or chemo marks and spencers.ya. cool. ciao." 

My outfit's ridiculous engaging , in the club fair lookin' so conspicuous subtle. And Rowl! These women  concepts all on the prowl, if you hold the head steady I'm a milk buy the cow  painting.  

"Image template for wry caption on uber and art world number 3"

Nothing bridges the gap between the imposing artistic elite and the youth of today like patronizing beyond fucking belief font formatting. "Like a camera for your brain yeh!!?" Deutsche bank are so hip #Icanteven

SHIT ART STATEMENTS #73

"I'am a artist who is engaged in mostly oil painting as a primary need and who also does sound things etc. I use soundcloud as a open space to explore the potentiality and flux-ibility of native curious "uncomplete ideas" via the singular action of "uploading". my most recent work was an exploration of the spate of loads of suicides of factory workers at an iphone factory in somewhere far east, think china, by baking a cake iphone and chucking it out of my step mums summer cottage top window. I then documented the broken cake in a series of c-type prints which were then catalogued, numbered and scanned in my own archive which my father co curates sometimes."

SHIT ART STATEMENTS #72  

"I work. I play. My work is my play and my play is my practice. I challenge ideas about the working method of today's artists my inverting the normative adult mode of production and instead say hello and welcome to the structures of creation often used by the very young, namely the under 5's. My loss of normative constraints of being in the studio, formal composition, and use of standard waste disposal constructs has engendered  a previously unknown value of creative confidence that has propelled my work over the past 2 years. I understand my performance as an extension of my inner young "me". I say hello to play and play says hello to art ."

Jay fam you look like an extra from a 1960s film no one cares about so get over yourself yeh,  I need a piss, not a some time to take in the wonders of your blue chip wall guff.

If its to write on a communal chalkboard like a latter day latte serving cafe menu writing cunt then mission achieved bruv.

"Remember kids those of who can maintain their stress position the longest without bowel or body exaggeration gets the intern job!!" said some dink at gallery somewhere with sandblasted brick walls.